Following My Heart

Since my first blog a few months ago our life has been thrown in a blender and turned upside down. But like my favorite dessert from Dairy Queen, we didn’t hit the ground and things have only gotten sweeter!

By the time I finished “Airlis” last fall a strange phenomenon had taken place in my heart. I can’t recall a specific turning point, but gradually I began to realize—I have a passion for something besides farming.

Unless you know me, or have been in my shoes, you may not understand why this is such a shocking revelation. Maybe this will help. I’m the second of eight kids. There are four boys and four girls, and I’m the oldest boy. We’re the fourth generation in our family business of farming and raising beef cattle. Traditionally, the farm has been passed from oldest son to oldest son, and my whole life I dreamed about raising my kids the same way I was. In my eyes there was nothing to compare to the priceless opportunity I was given. I knew I was uniquely blessed, and thanked God often for my amazing life.

I was happy and comfortable driving my tractor and riding my horse. But the very things that brought me peace of mind and joy to my heart also provided the perfect atmosphere for a little spark of a dream to be fanned to life by hours of daydreaming.

That was the tiny flame that nearly burned down my house and marriage, but as my wife and I celebrated with tears when we realized we’d made it through, little did we realize the heavy consequences that’d soon come from striking that match.

I knew I was in serious trouble when, days after completing the three year project of publishing my first novel, I started dreaming about my next book. Hadn’t I learned anything? I didn’t dare tell Tiffany…at least not at first. Somehow, miraculously, we survived that wild fire in our life, but the coals were still too hot for me to throw on a dream full of gasoline.

A few weeks passed. Some nights I’d lie in bed for hours plotting my new adventure only to flip the lamp on at 4:00 am to write down my dreams of what happened next. Before “Airlis” made it from my editor to Amazon I had my next two books outlined and was anxious to dive in head first. My mind began to battle between two titanic desires: To write, or to farm?

I knew I couldn’t do both. It was too difficult, and I didn’t think our family would survive another barn burner. It wasn’t fair or right for Dad, either. To receive the precious blessings of farm life you have to be willing to sacrifice a lot, and while I was writing I found myself looking for excuses to run home early so I could finish my next chapter.

It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.

After much fasting and prayer, I decided to follow my heart.

Tiffany was beyond shocked when I told her I felt we should leave the farm. Life was amazing. We lived out of town on the ranch, and our nearest neighbor was over a quarter mile away. We had a beautiful home with a large front yard surrounded by old trees. A few years ago I built the kids a super awesome tree house and put up a tire swing. The front porch spanned most of the house and was a perfect place for the porch swing I’d made Tiffany early in our marriage. We would sit in that swing and watch our kids run and build forts and chase rabbits. We raised cats, dogs, chickens, turkeys, ducks, goats, horses, and cows! We played tag on the tramp till daddy got too tired, then we’d lie on our backs and gaze at a million stars…and we left it all behind.

My eyes tear up every time I revisit the sweet memories we made there as a family.

But the hardest part of it all…was telling Dad. He and I worked side by side my whole life. We are more than father and son. We’re best friends.

I was helping him install his new dishwasher. It was just the two of us. I knew it was the right time, but it still took me over an hour to find enough courage to open my mouth.

Of course, it nearly gave him a heart attack. Looking back now, I probably should’ve eased him into it, but I’m not very good at sugar coating things. Might as well spit it out and be over with. He has since recovered, somewhat. The shock wave hit all the family pretty hard, but instead of them flattening our tires and holding us at gunpoint, we felt nothing but extreme love and support from everyone. We needed that. We still do.

So we packed our meager belongings and moved to Mesa, Arizona. Dad offered my position to my brother Ross, and I’m overjoyed that he and Brookelyn now have the sweet opportunity to raise their kids on the ranch. I know it will bless their lives forever.

For now we live in my mother-in-law’s house, which is half the size of our old one, and we’re cramped in a tight neighborhood. Life has definitely been turned upside down. But like my good friend Jared told me, “Change can be good, if you let it be.” You will never know if you like a new flavor till you try it, right? Well, the more we try, the better this new life tastes!

Our three oldest kids started going to a new school with cousins they rarely saw before. Within a few days they all made new friends and are genuinely enjoying life. Tiffany is near most of her siblings, now, and loves seeing close friends she lost contact with. She started exercising with her sister, and even though she won’t admit it openly, sometimes before she nods off to sleep she’ll let it slip that she’s really enjoying our new life.

That’s good enough for me.

If the story ended there it wouldn’t matter how I am doing, but to quench the thirst of curious minds, I’ll give you a sip. Me, I’m content. I know I’m where I’m supposed to be, and the Lord is providing opportunities for us all to grow. I followed my heart, and I’ve been writing my next book “Kirus” with enthusiastic vigor. I love not feeling guilty for taking away from my family or the farm. I’m looking for a job that’ll allow me more flexibility between family and writing, and until I find it I’m enjoying every second of free time I have exploring a new world.

Following an impression I also decided to record “Airlis” as an audiobook. I found a great guy named Mitchell Brown who was willing to record and edit my awkward attempt to narrate my first book. Thankfully, he’s patient with my errors, and with his help I feel we’ll be able to make a product worth buying. Hopefully it’ll be available soon on Audible and ITunes. Like most of my last few months, this is another leap of faith without a glimpse of what I’m jumping into. But if you don’t jump…you’ll never know if you can fly.

brian